Dear Mum
Greetings from the Caliphate. Hope all is well for you in the belly of the Britannic Satan. Give Mog a pat from me.
Things progress well here – we are making great strides against the enemies of God.
It is good to be spending Ramadan with the brothers. We feel very close together.
With Eid drawing near I am thinking a lot about gifts to give the brothers. I know that the world thinks we are all faceless fanatics but we are in fact a very diverse bunch – which makes choosing gifts quite a chore.
There are the guys who only need some pyjamas and an AK-47 to be happy. What can you get the man who has everything? These hardy jihadis are the toughest to buy for. But even all the others are not much better.
There are an unusual number of fat brothers (you don’t want to get one of them as the gunner on the back of your Toyota pickup) – the lardy jihadis; there are the guys who seem to spend half the day in bed while the rest of us are advancing the cause – the tardy jihadis; there are the guys who think they are better than all the rest of us – the dahdee dahdee jihadis; there is one guy who seems to have some gender identity issues – we call him the pink-cardie jihadi. Some of the guys seem to be here more for the fun than for the cause – the mardi gras-de jihadis; and then there is a small group who, to me, don’t seem to be very serious Muslims at all – the Bacardi jihadis but, as the great Roman Satan priest says, ‘Who am I to judge?’.
All this makes holiday shopping quite the headache. Good to get people something they like though.
Have a great Eid there.
Any time, you are more than welcome to join us here in the Caliphate and participate in doing God’s work.
Much love
Your faithful son
Dhiraja
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